This is getting creepy

If a report on suntimes.com is true, I may start calling Kobe Bryant "Jennifer Jason Bryant."

The report, by Michael Sneed, said Bryant may purchase the G.O.A.T.'s home in Highland Park, Ill.

This is passed Idolizing someone. It's borderline obsessive.

Everyone knows Bryant wants to be Jordan, from the way he talks during interviews, down to his mannerisms on the court. But buying his house? Is he gonna ask Vanessa to change her name to Juanita? Is Kobe gonna start wearing Lower Merion practice shorts under his Lakers gear?

Bryant is easily the best all-around basketball talent in the world. He needs to work on being an individual next, because this is ridiculous.

But there's an underlying issue here, too.

Last week, Bulls GM John Paxson came out and said the team was never on the verge of putting a deal together to bring Bryant to Chicago. He also criticized the information that was leaked that had Bulls fans in a frenzy.

Paxson's Bulls are now 0-4 and have home losses to lottery-bound Philadelphia and a Clippers team minus Elton Brand. Chicago made the playoffs during the 04-05 season despite starting the campaign 0-10. Expectations weren't as high for the team then, meaning the chants for Kobe will remain loud and clear in and around the United Center.

It's obvious a trade between Chicago and L.A. won't work because of salaries and Lakers GM Mitch Kupchak asking for everything but that statue of Jordan outside the United Center, so a third team needs to be thrown in the mix.

A potential three-team swap that would have sent Ben Wallace and Ron Artest to L.A., P.J. Brown and Ben Gordon to Sacramento and Bryant to Chicago fell through just before the season started. Wallace, currently averaging 4.3 rebounds a game, is past his prime. Artest is currently serving a seven-game suspension for recent legal issues and neither of those players are "box office."

But how many guys in the League are? Dwyane Wade isn't leaving Miami. Cleveland won't deal LeBron James (it'll just wait 'til he opts out in a few years and lose him for nothing). Allen Iverson, despite his early-season success, is on his last legs.

That leaves one guy. The NBAs version of Chad Johnson.

Somehow, some way, a deal needs to be worked out that would send Gilbert Arenas to L.A., Bryant to Chicago and a package of players to D.C. Arenas sells tickets, and he can opt out of his Wizards deal next summer.

A trade during the season doesn't guarantee he would stay in La-La Land, but it's a safe bet he would, considering he's from the area. He's in a number of commercials and his blog on nba.com has to be one of the most widely-read on the Internet.

Somebody needs to make this happen. But if Kobe shows up at his first home game in Chicago with a shaved head and a large diamond-studded hoop in his ear...

Week 1 NBA Power Rankings

The Spam Division
30. Golden State
29. Seattle
28. Chicago
27. Portland
26. Washington
25. Minnesota

The Ball Park Frank Division
24. Sacramento
23. Memphis
22. Miami
21. Philadelphia
20. Atlanta

The Ground Round Division
19. Charlotte
18. Toronto
17. Milwaukee
16. Cleveland

The New York Strip Division
15. Utah
14. Denver
13. Los Angeles Lakers
12. New York
11. Los Angeles Clippers
10. New Jersey

The Prime Rib Division
9. Orlando
8. New Orleans
7. Indiana
6. Phoenix

The Filet Mignon Division
5. Boston
4. San Antonio
3. Houston
2. Dallas
1. Detroit