No more bull, just ball

What an offseason in the NBA.

A referee compromised the ethics of the game. A head coach/front office guy let his inner Bishop Don "Magic" Juan out in the workplace. Several stars, and one superstar, bitched and moaned about their situations with the hopes, I think, of being traded. One superstar finally was traded, albeit two years too late. And the league changed its motto to something called, "Where Amazing Happens."

I haven't been so perplexed by the best game in the world since I found out John Tesh wrote that sweet "NBA on NBC" intro.

But have you noticed what's been happening the last couple weeks? The focus is being put back on the game.

It's looking more and more like Tim Donaghy's "Sopranos-esque" story is an isolated incident, even though it’s been revealed that a large number of NBA refs participate in casino gambling. Isiah Thomas has put Fillmore Slim back in his cage. Andrei Kirilenko and Shawn Marion, it seems, have backed off their trade demands, and Kevin Garnett looks re-energized in Beantown.

So how do the teams in the League stack up going into the 07-08 campaign?

Garnett moving from the Twin Cities to the East Coast has turned the talk in Boston from "I can't believe I chanted "M-V-P" when Kobe was here last year," to "We might have more to do next spring than go to Sox/Devil Rays games!"

One Western Conference team saw its season go up in flames when one of the most consistent Bigs in the game ruptured his left Achilles over the summer, while another squad dealt a 23 and 10 guy to make room for its number one pick, only to lose that pick for the year following knee surgery.

Oh, and one of the most storied franchises in sports is pretty much set to deal one of the best players of all time for the second time in four years.

Other than that, it looks like another run-of-the-mill NBA season. Except for the fact that there are only three legit title contenders in a 30-team league. And that group doesn't include the greatest Red Hacker trio in history.

What follows is a ranking of each team in the League, 30-1. I took the liberty of putting them in interesting categories.

Hopefully, you get where I'm going.

The Britney Spears Division

30. Minnesota Timberwolves - Had they traded Garnett two years ago like they should have, this team could be on the upswing this season. As it sits now, the T'Wolves are in the lead of the O.J. Mayo sweepstakes

29. Los Angeles Clippers - A team that finished outside the playoffs last season lost one of the five most consistent front-court players in the game, Elton Brand, to an Achilles injury and a promising point guard, fourth-year guard Shaun Livingston, to a gruesome knee injury. Lookfor Tim Thomas and Ruben Patterson to cost Mike Dunleavy his job.

28. Philadelphia 76ers - Philadelphia is no longer in the "Titanic" Division. Each team in the Atlantic improved either through trades (Boston, NY), or getting key pieces back from injury (New Jersey). Philly drafted a guy named Herbert (Hill, out of Providence) and signed Reggie"Ballbreaker" Evans. The Sixers can't improve through trade, since Iguodala is the team's only movable piece, along with being Philly's only reliable scoring option at any position. So look for it to be another looooooong winter in The City of Brotherly Love.

27. Sacramento Kings - How the (almost) mighty have fallen. From the cusp of the NBA Finals in 2002 to Secaucus, N.J., for the 2008 Draft Lottery. Mike Bibby being out six weeks to open the season with a thumb won't help matters, neither will Brad Miller's braids.

26. Indiana Pacers - This year marks the death of the Indiana Pacers, as the team will miss the playoffs for back-to-back seasons since 1987. Look for Jermaine O'Neal to be traded at some point during the season, since he's a free agent next summer.

The Lindsay Lohan Division

25. Seattle Supersonics - Things change quickly in sports. Two seasons ago, Seattle won 53 games, took the Northwest Division crown and won a playoff series. Now, the team is moving and let go of its top two scorers from last season - Rashard Lewis and Ray Allen. But this team, never mind that, second-overall pick Kevin Durant will be fun to watch this season. Who cares if he can't put up 185 lbs. He's not entering the Mr. Universe contest. You can pencil Durant in for AT LEAST 21 a night this year. The youngster, who was a lock for Rookie of the Year before Greg Oden went down, has a plethora of moves on the offensive end. If you put a smaller guyon him, at 6'9," Durant can get to the low block and score off up-and-unders, baby hooks and fadeaways. Put a big on the lanky Durant, and he can drain pull-up jumpers, stepbacks and anything else you can think of. It's interesting that new head coach P.J. Carlesimo will play Durant at shooting guard this year. Fifth-overall pick Jeff Green, also 6'9," handled the ball-handling duties for spells during his time at Georgetown. He often set up the team's half-court sets.

24. Atlanta Hawks - Joe Johnson, Marvin Williams, Josh Smith, Shelden Williams, Josh Childress, Acie Law, Al Horford. From what you know about these guys INDIVIDUAL skills, this sounds like it'd be a helluva squad, doesn't it? Put them together, though, and you get a team that will miss the playoffs for a 9th straight year. There's too many "I gotta get mine" guys in this group. Horford and Law could be exceptions, but that remains to be seen.

23. Portland Trailblazers - If I was over 6'7," I would not want David Stern to read my name off a card that came from Paul Allen on draft night. You get rid of a post monster, Zach Randolph, and his attitude to make room from someone who could grow into a low-block beast in NumberOne pick Greg Oden...and he ends up being out for the year. Portland is this high based on the fact they'll play Seattle and Minnesota a combined eight times. Brandon Roy and LeMarcus Aldridge will keep this young squad, the youngest in the League, in some games, and if the Blazers can get a top-flight swingman with the high pick they'll have next June, look out.

22. New York Knicks - Isiah's most productive unit would be Nate Robinson, Jamaal Crawford, Renaldo Balkman, David Lee and the newly-acquired Zach Randolph, which means at least two-fifths of those guys will either be traded or glued to the bench this season. I just hope there aren't any women folk cheering loudly behind the Knicks bench at the end of tight games.

21. Memphis Grizzlies - Memphis made several strides this offseason, including keeping Pau Gasol, drafting point guard Mike Conley Jr. out of Ohio State and signing Darko Milicic. The Grizz will take their lumps, though, as they are in the toughest division in the game with Dallas, Houston, New Orleans and San Antonio. Look for 2006 eighth-overall pick Rudy Gay to have a breakout year.

The Kim Kardashian Division

20. Charlotte Bobcats - Two words are becoming almost as scary to athletes as "I'm pregnant:" microfracture surgery. Bobcats big man Sean May will likely miss the entire season with the injury, while second-year man Adam Morrison will miss the season with a torn ACL. Charlotte has the pieces to challenge for the final playoff spot in the East, but if they don't learn to stop some people, the 'Cats will have to wait until their fifth year of existence to challenge for a playoff spot.

19. Milwaukee Bucks – I have Milwaukee five spots ahead of Atlanta, even though they are essentially the same team. They have several parts that need to mesh together for the team to be successful. Re-signing point guard Mo Williams was huge, and keeping Michael Redd, Andrew Bogut and Charlie Villanueva healthy will be key. If it’s true the Bucks are determined to get rookie Yi Jianlian 20 minutes a night, we might find out how Darko would have looked his rookie year given that much burn.

18. Washington Wizards – Washington sat atop the East for much of the first half of the 2006-07 season; but the injury bug hit, and the James Gang swept the team out of the playoffs last spring. Offensively, the Wiz is the East coast version of the Phoenix Suns. The problem is they’re also the East coast version of Phoenix on D, too. Gilbert Arenas will continue to entertain in the nation’s capitol, unless he gets shipped to L.A. in a three-team deal with the Lakers and Bulls, and Washington will miss center Etan Thomas’ toughness (heart ailment) when they realize the Charmin-soft Brendan Haywood is manning the post.

17. Los Angeles Lakers – How can the team with the best player on the planet be this low on any list? Easy: hold on to a young big man who may turn out to be nothing more than a ninth guy off the bench. The Lakers could have placated Kobe Bryant by parting with Andrew Bynum and the inconsistent Lamar Odom. A deal involving those two could have netted L.A. either Kevin Garnett, who has said the Lakers front office situation soured him on La-La Land, Jason Kidd or Jermaine O’Neal. GM Mitch Kupchak, instead, stood pat, and watched as a war of words developed between Bryant and team owner Jerry Buss. Head coach Phil Jackson has also questioned Bryant’s work ethic in the wake of recent events. I don’t know how credible that is, since I consider Bryant to be one of the hardest-working athletes alive. Either Kobe gets traded right away, or he takes his frustrations out on the entire League.

16. Orlando Magic – This is the year Dwight Howard becomes the best big man alive. Whereas little to no plays were ran for Howard before Stan Van Gundy took over the reins, the former Miami Heat coach has put an emphasis on getting Howard the rock. Signing Rashard Lewis will open the floor up for Howard, although I think he was paid a little too much. And Jameer Nelson and Carlos Arroyo form a solid platoon at the point guard spot.

The Eva Mendes Division

15. New Orleans Hornets – If healthy, this team could have made two playoff appearances in each of the last two seasons. But the injury bug has haunted this team since it made the move to the Bayou. Chris Paul, Peja Stojakovic and David West have all missed time with ailments. If a group that includes the rejuvenated Tyson Chandler, defensive catalyst Morris Peterson, and rookie all-around athlete Julian Wright can mesh and play together for the entire season, the Bugs could be playing past mid-April.

14. Golden State Warriors – Monta Ellis can provide what the recently-department Jason Richardson, so that loss won’t hurt. If Baron Davis can stay healthy, and hungry since he hasn’t been extended yet, Steve Jackson stays out of court and the Warriors can get anything out of Al Harrington and Andris Biedrins in the post, Golden State won’t sneak up on anybody. They’ll be feared.

13. Cleveland Cavaliers – It was a fluke. Cleveland basically had a cakewalk to the NBA Finals last season, and it will show brightly this year. The Cavs got Washington without Arenas and Caron Butler. They played a New Jersey team that features Vince Carter as its go-to guy, and ran into a Detroit squad that doesn’t go hard every night in the postseason. Couple that with making no moves in the offseason to build around LeBron James, unless you’re a fan of Devin Brown and Cedric Simmons, and the Cavs better be glad they play in the East because I’m not sure they could make the postseason out West.

12. Miami Heat – Another product of playing in the East. Miami was so desperate to find scoring while Dwyane Wade nurses his left knee and left shoulder, it signed Ricky Davis, making this his second stint on South Beach. This is another squad that made some questionable moves over the summer – Penny Hardaway? Smush Parker? – and I wouldn’t be surprised if Pat Riley walked out when things get rough. Look for Shaq’s six-year string of missing at least 22 games to continue, and look for another early exit for Miami in the playoffs.

11. Toronto Raptors – Signing Jason Kapono and dealing for Carlos Delfino won’t help Toronto improve on its first-place finish in the Atlantic Division last season. Not when the likes of Kevin Garnett and Zach Randolph have entered the picture. But Chris Bosh will continue to improve and become a franchise player, which will be good enough for this group to make some noise in the East.

The Jessica Alba Division

10. Denver Nuggets – Kenyon Martin will attempt to mimic Phoenix’s Amare Stoudemire’s 2006-07 return from microfracture surgery this year. If he plays well, Denver could be a dark horse in the title hunt. But the loss of summer signee Chucky Atkins for six to eight weeks with a groin injury could hamper the Nuggets’ efforts. Atkins was slated to start at the point, enabling Allen Iverson to slide to shooting guard. Atkins’ injury forces AI to move back on the ball, and puts the erratic J.R. Smith back in the starting five. Carmelo Anthony should be able to keep this group afloat until Atkins returns.

9. Chicago Bulls – All bets are off if Chicago can pry Kobe away from L.A. and keep Luol Deng. But as currently constituted, the Bulls can make the playoffs and win a series or two, but they won’t win a title. Chicago’s backcourt (Kirk Hinrich and Ben Gordon) is too small and too streaky on the offensive end, and unless second-round pick Aaron Gray and Tyrus Thomas develop a baby hook, the Bulls will continue to get little or nothing from the post. But all bets are off if Kobe goes to the Windy City. Chicago’s best post scorer was a two-guard for about 12 years, ya know.

8. New Jersey Nets – The return of Nenad Krstic, who poured in 16.4 points and snagged almost seven boards in 26 games before tearing his ACL, will help this squad immensely, as it lacked a post presence in its 4-2 series loss to Cleveland in the ’07 playoffs. Even at 35, Jason Kidd will continue to play at a high level, but New Jersey’s bench is young and that could hurt come springtime.

7. Boston Celtics – The trio of Ray Allen, Kevin Garnett and Paul Pierce is good enough to keep Boston near the top of the East during the regular season, but point guard play and the bench will provide plenty of questions for this team this season. I’m still not sold on Doc Rivers in the playoffs. I’ve seen him misuse timeouts and not be able to settle on a consistent rotation too many times. It would probably be best if Boston settled on a seven-man rotation, which would help Rivers keep his job.

6. Houston Rockets – It’ll be interesting to see how Yao Ming adapts to new head coach Rick Adelman’s uptempo style. The big man isn’t the most fleet of foot, but I suspect Adelman will keep the pace at Yao’s liking. If malcontents Bonzi Wells and Steve Francis, who has already been heard bitching about his role, can keep their heads in the game, they could provide the additional scoring needed for Tracy McGrady to make it past the first round of the playoffs for the first time in his 11-year career. McGrady and Yao need help. The Rockets scored just 67 points in Game 3 of their first round loss to Utah, Houston’s “Big Two” accounted for 50 of those points. You can’t win like that. Look for the re-acquired Mike James and 27-year-old rookie power forward Luis Scola to keep the sale of Kleenex to a minimum following Houston’s first-round series next spring.

The Megan Fox Division

5. Utah Jazz – I have never been a fan of the Jazz, but all summer I was pining for Utah to make a run at Gerald Wallace because I thought Utah could have pushed San Antonio more in the Western Conference Finals had it had a two-guard other than Gordan Giricek. Jerry Sloan is hoping second-year swingman Ronnie Brewer is the answer at the two. If he is, the Jazz could feature one of the more potent starting fives in the League with future all-star Deron Williams manning the point, and a frontcourt trio of Andrei Kirilenko, and all stars Carlos Boozer and Mehmet Okur.

4. Phoenix Suns – The team that seemed to be at the forefront in the Kevin Garnett sweepstakes opted to make subtle changes (signing 35-year-old Grant Hill) instead of making the big splash. But it remains to be seen if do-it-all forward Shawn Marion will be happy in Phoenix. He has been known to whine about his role in the team’s offense. I thought everybody’s role in Phoenix was to run the floor and let Steve Nash find you. The Suns will pile up wins, as they have done each of the last three seasons, but the loss of Kurt Thomas will hurt come playoff time. Thomas, dealt to Seattle for a future second-round draft pick, played admirably against Tim Duncan in the conference finals. If Phoenix matches up with a team like San Antonio or Houston, the Suns could be in trouble because I don’t see Sean Marks or Brian Skinner giving Phoenix much off the oak. How entertaining would a Suns/Warriors playoff series be, though.

The Halle Berry Division

3. Detroit Pistons – The most upsetting part about Rasheed Wallace’s tirade near the end of Game Six of the ’07 Eastern Conference Finals was that it happened with about 8 minutes left. That’s an eternity in a basketball game. Had he kept his cool, the Finals might have gone five games instead of four. While other squads tried to better themselves by making a number of moves, Detroit helped itself by not changing much. Joe Dumars re-signed Chauncey Billups. He also re-upped with the legend that is Amir Johnson and got a solid backup for Tayshaun Prince in Jarvis Hayes. The team’s core of Billups, Wallace, Prince and Richard Hamilton remains intact, and it’ll be interesting to see how Antonio McDyess handles being inserted into the Pistons’ starting lineup since Dumars elected not to sign Chris Webber. But Webber would have helped Detroit since it doesn’t have much post depth behind Wallace, McDyess and Jason Maxiell. But the Knicks are the only team in the East with two guys who play the low blocks, so that won’t prove to be too big an issue. Much of the talk will center around Boston because of its Big Three, and Cleveland because of LeBron, but Detroit will wind up being the class of the East this season.

2. Dallas Mavericks – Dirk Nowitzki won the MVP last season without much of a post game. If the post game he says he’s worked on this offseason proves to be fruitful, the Mavericks won’t have to worry about being bounced in the first round of the playoffs. Dallas losing to Golden State was just the third time in league history a number-one seed lost to the eighth seed, so I’ll chalk that up as a freak occurrence. Avery Johnson will have to find a way to work in Brandon Bass, Trenton Hassell and Eddie Jones, but I expect Dallas to be playing come late-May.

The Scarlett Johannsen Division

1. San Antonio Spurs – The champs stay on top until they are knocked off the mountain. But, although I have them here to start the year, I don’t see San Antonio repeating this season. Of the major players in the Spurs’ rotation, Tony Parker, 25, is the only guy not past 30 years of age. That includes Manu Ginobili, who’s 30. Three guys who will be counted on for major minutes, Brent Barry, Bruce Bowen and Michael Finley, have an average age of 36. But you can never count out a team that features one of the five best players of all time. Do you realize Tim Duncan has more MVPs, two, than Shaquille O’Neal and just as many as Wilt Chamberlain? He has more rings than Chamberlain, Charles Barkley and Karl Malone COMBINED. Ok, so maybe I can see the Spurs winning it all again.